my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
