mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
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I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
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When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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