I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The hint wasn't even a hint. it said "stop talking to her" that's pretty straightforward
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
