your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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