I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
