Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Dude she has a bf and shes on lockdown more than Nelson Mandela in 95
i'm sorry, i thought "hey, she wants TO FUCK YOU" was a good enough cue
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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