fuck your aforementioned shoe
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
He kept telling me Te Amo last night. Over and over. And that he was scared. Drunkenly. In Spanish.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
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