I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
