i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
The uber man and I sat in silence. With my underwear in my purse and my dress shoved in the pocket of the hoodie the guy gave me.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
Randomize
