found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
