someone threw a dead crab at me
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
we were sitting on his couch watching tv and laughing at how funny the voices on the commercial were, then we realized the volume wasn't on.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
