Sweet. Might not hurt to poop on the floor anyway.
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
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