just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize
