My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
His girlfriends signaled their approval by pulling me off of him and in turn making out with me. I think I will hang out with this group more often
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
I feel like a drive thru vagina
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Idk what's worse.... Yesterday not waking up in my bed or today waking up in the hello kitty gown.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
