Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Btw you guys passed out eating DP dough and watching Pocahontas... on a monday
it was stoner heaven..
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