While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
Randomize
