I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Randomize
