my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
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There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
This is bullshit, I shit my pants for the 1st time in 30 years, stuck on the 405, fuck this shit.
Depends
I don't want to hook up with him sober. That's pretty much like saying I love you.
Randomize
