I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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