My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
