Yay Minnesota! I can't believe there's now a US Senator who has taken more acid than we have
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
