I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
Randomize
