I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
Two people confessed their love to me last night. Drunk is a good color on me
I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
