My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
is he the 3rd person to bang everyone in our group?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Randomize
