Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
