The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
I miss vodka workout Fridays
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Seriously I'm dying. All my insides are fighting their way out of me. With light sabers and machetes.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Just had my very first high conversation with mom
And you survived it! I'd say that earns you a "Blaze It Like a Real Adult" from the Grown-up Girl Scouts
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
Randomize
