U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
