She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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