We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
