Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.
I don't know you.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Well his arms broken so they only cuffed his good wrist to his belt. That's how he cast smacked me in custody.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
