While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
He woke up & asked where his pants were then asked where he was then asked who I was. Been married 20 yrs. He was drunkest ever.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
