I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
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I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
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Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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