Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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