i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
Randomize
