You don't have asthma, your pregnant
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
two words: eviction party
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Randomize
