i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
He overslept for our prescheduled morning sex. The fact that my vagina isn't enough to get him out of bed was the last straw.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
You leaned over to me in the elevator and whispered "how long do I have to pretend to be sober?"