It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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