The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
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