Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
