How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
