I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
