rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
