it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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