Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
when he pulled his cock out I told him he'd brought a knife to a sword fight
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
Randomize
