Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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