What happened to the watermelon?
You fucked it.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
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