We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
He is crying over the toilet and his friends just came in and tried to make him take another jello shot.
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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