you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
Randomize
