Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
My walk of shame this morning would have been much less obvious if it hadn't been 6:30 in the morning and I wasn't walking through downtown Nashville in a Steeler jersey.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
When they said they were gonna tattoo each other's gamer tags on their asses, I knew I no longer had a boyfriend.
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