he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
