I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If I don't have the money by then, I'll pay you in sex.
It's going to be 23.5 times of sex and 19 blow jobs. I just googled it.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
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