I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Nope not happening. When I close my eyes the floor moves. I'm going to enjoy this free roller coaster.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
Randomize
