can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
