the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I feel like the way dolphins mate would be the approach that a guy would have to use in order for you to sleep with them
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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