Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
I like my sex mixed with concussions.
My husband just tried to seduce me by saying we can do it doggystyle so you can watch tv
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
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