Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Randomize
