Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
Randomize
